She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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