party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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