i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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