dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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