Can i not drive my cunt home
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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