the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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