I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!