The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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