Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
