I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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