im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
