Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
