the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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