Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
