Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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