This is not my ceiling
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
