I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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