I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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