Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
