Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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