Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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