Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
