I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
