he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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