Moan for me like Helen Keller
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
