: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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