You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
