Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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