Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
