First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
