hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
