I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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