His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She's the barista slut.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
