there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
