I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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