i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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