I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
