She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize