I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
