i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
