Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
