I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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