I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
