When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
