Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
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my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
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I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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