maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
