You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Don't make out with my wife yet
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
