Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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