I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
