I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
