Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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