Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
