Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
