listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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